STEM testimony 2009

I know I haven't blogged for a while, and I've probably avoided trying to process or be introspective on how I feel after STEM has left, but I had to write a STEM testimony which got me to think of different things, and which I am now sharing with you (what a long run-on sentence.)
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As I write what will probably be the last STEM testimony of my life, I am reminded not just of what God has shown me and taught me this past summer, but also over the course of the past five STEM mission trips. During the span of four years, God has shaped my heart and passion for missions and at the same time has molded me, stretched me and broken me in ways that the high-school graduate Eric of 2005 would never have expected. It’s almost surreal that God has brought me to serve Him in Thailand for this upcoming year. But as I try to make sense of why God has brought me here and what he wants to teach me, I realize that I must frame this testimony around the how God has lead me thus far, not just in this past month.

In my senior year of college, I came face-to-face with the reality of life after undergraduate schooling. I was at a crossroad with three options: work for a year, enter straight into seminary, or go to missions for a year. The last option was a commitment I made to God two years prior, but it was the last thought on my mind as I began to feel like it would just be a detour in my “ambitious” plans for life. I thought, “How does a year in a country whose language I cannot speak and culture I cannot understand help me in the future?” But here’s the kicker, I was too concerned with how missions would “help me” rather than how I would serve God with the entirety of my life. I wanted God to sign off on my plans and ambitions rather than trusting and yielding to the one who graciously promises that He has a plan for me – plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).

In the fall of 2008, E-College ministry had its first corporate Daniel Fast leading up to the Break Free revival. I decided to call upon the Lord and pray about the upcoming decision. For twenty one days I fasted and sought the Lord, but with no answer. The day before the revival, I was at Pastor Jeff’s house and we randomly decided to pray. As I prayed about my future, I realized I had not yet put to death my will, desires, wants, and needs. These things were ruling and dictating my life and God spoke to me at that moment, “To live is Christ and to die is gain.” The next day at the revival, Reverend Bob Oh began the sermon with that exact verse from Philippians 1:21. I knew God was about to give His answer; this was no coincidence. Then Reverend Oh spoke the following words which pierced my heart like a dagger: “If God has called you to a nation, take that nation for Him.” At that moment, my eyes began to tear as God reminded me about my calling to Thailand. He did not just want to remind me, but wanted to bestow power and authority on me to be his witness and to take the nation.

Thus God called me to missions not to help me, but to glorify Him. Yet the loving Father knew my fears and my insecurities and was not ordering me to go without some assurance of His faithfulness. As I continued to pray, He urged me to let go of all the things that I was holding onto – friends, family, church, and comfort – even if they were good things. I first needed to die to these things so that I could see their true worth through the cross. And God spoke to me, “Let these things go and I will return them to you even more beautiful and precious than they once were to you.” And so God gave me Philippians 1:21 as the theme verse for my year in Thailand. It wasn’t until I put my self to death that I could see living for Christ as the most valuable and worthy treasure.

In light of this, God lead me as I lead Thailand Team 2009. Leading a team is no easy task, but this time I knew that I would not be returning home with the teammates that I would become so close with after eating, talking and sharing experiences for a month. Even in the beginning of the month, I was hesitant to reach out to my teammates as I tried to prepare myself for their eventual departure. But my teammates relentlessly pursued me and would not let me take matters into my own hands like that. They taught me that I’m not really letting go of something until I value it, and as I came to understand the great value of my relationships with them, I came to appreciate and love even more the great value of Christ who is more than worthy enough to give up all things and follow. And now as my teammates encourage me by praying for me back at home, I can value even more the Holy Spirit who is interceding for me and helping me in my weakness (Romans 8:25) and the Lord Jesus Christ who daily mediates on my behalf with his blood (Hebrews 9).

I still don’t fully understand why God would use a prideful, selfish, and wretched creature like me. Yet God reminds me that I am but a jar of clay to show that His all-surpassing power is from God and not from me. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 4:11, “For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.” As I look forward to what God wants to do in me and through me this upcoming year, I know God will continue to show me that the dying of my self for Jesus’ sake is truly gain, and that living is truly Christ – it is His life, light and glory that will shine in my heart.